It began with Jesus.
At age fourteen I knew I needed him. I did not know all of the theological reason why I need him, so my understanding was limited at the time.
After attending church for a few years, I soon learned how terrible I was, an how angry God was at my sin. I had Jesus, but I was never good enough. People told me I was forgiven, but.......................
We never served enough, gave enough, was good enough, prayed enough, listened enough, knew enough, attend enough. Well that is what every sermon and bible study was about. "Growing". Growing what exactly?
So I add to my Jesus a county church theology. don't drink, do drugs, spit or chew, nor run with girls who do. I did pretty good a that.
Then I add to my Jesus a theology degree, that even studied Greek. I learned many wonderful theological things, things about doctrines and history, and Palestine, and Greek language, and propitiation, but little of it made Jesus more real. If anything it made me more mechanical. I was being trained to run a machine, and preach in a way that grew it. And Machine repetition was the way to connect with him. Prayer times, journals, books, places, events.
Then I added to Jesus pastoral ministry. I preached those theologies, explained those deep truths, evangelized and visited, married and buried, I met wonderful people, but lost he ability to be a normal human being. Preachers become an untouchable, no one wants around. Because we tells them they are never good enough. They never arrive....... who needs the joy killer around.
No matter how hard I preached, and prayed, and how much I visited and chatted and loved people. The magic growth for the church never came. It was more about time spent running the church, than running with Jesus. Everything was organized and programmed to death.
So I added seminars and retreats.... to fix me up, and fix my gifts up, and nothing change. I tried to be a better me, and a better "Preacher", and it never worked.
Then I added to my Jesus, mission to West Africa
Then I added to Jesus another part-time ministry and commercial fishing job. Then my home church fired me (Failed to Renewal My Annual Contact). because, as I suspected all along, I was never good enough, Not for them, not for Jesus, not for ministry.
Then I added to my Jesus a house church plant that the house people soon wanted to make a Regular church plant. and there I was back in that game. Marketing a church plant.
Then I said Jesus I don't hear you though all this clutter. All this stuff, we are told, and we believe, are needed to help us grow. We certainly could never ever find Jesus without adding all this to our life. It was a lie. You can find Jesus without all this stuff. In fact, its easier.
I walked away from managing the institution, and growing something in its image. Oh I had Jesus all long, but he was muffled with all the middle man stuff. To bus jogging by to stop and talk with Jesus in person. I chat with him on the cell phone for hours on the way by. I think that might be it. I talked an talked with Jesus, but through a church filter. So I walked away from "Building church" as we know it on Sunday, But I did not walk away from "Church", just your kind of church at your location, or pre approved locations, is all. .
And Now, 32 years later, I am back to being with Jesus, knowing I need him, but letting so much church get in the way of being with him.
"There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus". There is no BUT in that message. Despite that almost every sermon has a But attached to it. .....
I grew up trying to measure up to the "but"............ and it robbed much of my life of any joy. But you would never know it, nor see it. Striving for something no one ever told me a human can't achieve. In Modern preaching we never reach the goal. They move the achievement goal post just as you approach it.
I've preached the Buts, and enslaved so many other people into a miserable defeated christian journey.
As a result I became a Butt.....
But, then I realized there is no But..... at the end of the day. There is no condemnation in Jesus.... The Goal is Jesus. If we have him we have all we need, and no matter how much we fail... There is no condemnation in him.
I started with Jesus and now I am back with Jesus 32 years later. I never lost him, he was there, as after all, I was doing ti all in his name to "Open the door for others to see him. Those of us running the machine of institutionalization the most, and our volunteers all know it's for him.... But he's seems so far away...
Most for the "stuff" in the middle was a wasted life.
for the first time in my life and have him, and him alone. Now I will love him and love others around me.
Like the pharasee's of old, I retored... is that it? Can it really be that simple? For years I thought no.... 32 years later, I will say its enough.
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