When a 250 lb Fisherman Cries Too Much! Where In The World Transitions Again

I have no followers, and that is ok. Seriously, I get blog hits from all over the world. However, I have no consistent readers that I know of. Also, as far as I know, NONE of my friends follow this blog. Most don't even know it exists, and the few who might, certainly ignore it.

The church ministry "friends" I have, simply can't read it. It's too opposite of the Leadership Superstar Management church models they are being trained in. And to hear a dissenting simpler option, and a guy who transitioned form Paid Minister playing the game, to a free serving servant, not playing the game but just as kingdom active all over the world........welllll.... it just saps their already diminished joy for running their church machinery. Open this floodgate even a little, and they are lost to everything as they know it. So they can't crack this door at all. So I get it.

I am not into marketing this blog, building a fellowship, like so many blogs become and are able to do so masterfully. I have no desire nor clue how to do that. This is just my venting place, and a place to register and catalog interesting quotes I read, that made ME think and help me on my journey. It's an easy place to collect data I'm interested in.

So I feel quite safe writing about some transitions I have been going through. 

1. I transitioned from Full time Ministry to Fully Missionary.

Yes 5 yrs in pulpit ministry game (1990-1995). Five years church planting in Ivory Coast West Africa (1995-2000).

2. I transitioned into Fisherman/ Part time Ministry - to Fisherman/Tent making Team Leader of  a simple Church plant.

2000-2007 I served part time with a small church while fishing full time 6 monhs a year. Good folks, but I no longer fit the Western church pastor model well, or just did not want to, which was it????? Africa ruined me and opened my eyes to what the western church has become. Which became clear to me, that I was not to  be a pastor in that system. I was glad when they chose not to renew my annually voted on  contract in 2007. Yep each year I had to have 80% popularity vote, or my contract was not renewed for the next year. In 2007 I never made the 80%. Over those 7 years, I used all my vacation time to work in Africa, making four trips back to Africa to work in my old field, and scout untouched muslim regions for future work. Most in that church never asked me about it, or what I did in Africa, ever when I went. I came home to no interest. In fact I think some were apposed to be doing this on my vacation. 

So in 2007-2010 I agreed to be part of a simple church plant for no pay, and commercially fished for a living with my Dad. I wanted it to be a network of simple house gatherings. But it soon became the default. A rented hall, with a shingle out front (Not my choice but was a good team player in the group). It became something that I, not in any way, what I wanted to do.... but by all other standards was normal and good. It was good, just not for me is all. But it was a lot of fun to walk with this group. Some of the best in the box times of my life. But we were going to have the same results as every other rural church with a shingle. We played the "Excellence" game, and we had the models and worked them, and it never worked for us well. Never does for most churches i have come to see.   

3. I transitioned to Humanitarian NGO 2010-2013. Leading the first ever community development project for Man of Peace Development in Mali, West Africa. I work in a 100% Muslim community about 500km from the capital city. I love what I do there, and Africa has deep roots in my heart. This is a 6 months each year project. I just got home from there a few weeks ago. 


4. NOW.......I am Transitioning to Fishing Captain 2013:

I was always a high percentage partner in the family fishing business with my dad the last 12 years. We worked as a team, but he was to stay at the wheel until he was ready to not be at the wheel. I worked the deck and managed all the working details.

In a way, I never really thought of taking the wheel, ever. We get along well. I had seen other sons put pressure on their older dads to retire and the transition was hard on the "Old Man" as i don't think they were ready to retire, and made to feel like they were standing in the way of their sons progress. So they stepped down out of respect for their sons, but they themselves, were not ready to cut out a very important part of their being.... I've seen it happen over and over again.

So I never asked, it was not my place or desire. I wanted my dad to stay at the wheel until he was ready. I had a job, and I worked overseas in Africa too. So I was happy with not taking the wheel too.
 Also, I knew the day he did step down, I would need to make some hard decisions about Africa, my life in general. Managing a fishing business and being at sea 6 months a year is no small commitment I assure you.

I've noticed my dad really slowing down the last 5 yrs. Rightfully so, as he is 70 in May 2013. But when I got home after a winter in Africa a few weeks ago, I noticed something. My dad really aged this past year. And though he lifts gear etc, he is really having a much harder time to do it this spring. He is as thin as a pencil now. Since he was diagnosed with mild Diabetes a few yrs back, so he has to watch his diet.

Well Yesterday I finally got the talk. He said this will be his last year, and I am taking the wheel next season. He's going to get his business in order, and then I know where I stand, and I'll have to get my shit in order too. 

Most young men I know got real excited when they took over their first fishing gears as Captain.
How did the news make me feel? I hate to say it, but this 250lb solid old burly fisherman almost started to cry in the truck. My dad did not know, or see it. I just small talked saying, "you do what you need to do, and I'll take case of my end once we all know where we stand.". But a whole lot rushed at me that I did not know what to do with...
 
What does this mean? Thought I can still probably work in Africa each winter as a humanitarian NGO, the length of time will need to be shortened. And frankly right now I can't take off the table that I may even have to shut down that chapter of my life in some more serious way.
Am I ready for that? That is a dark tunnel I can't even consider looking at right now.

Then, there is the capacity too. Will I catch the fish, enough to make a go of it? I don't know the grounds like my dad who has now fished for 54 yrs. He has the bottom, every ledges, and every bump on the bottom or hump, on the ocean bottom memorized. He can take you there to each one, with no GPS, just a compass and water depth indicator.

I don't have all those humps and bumps memorized. Just as generalities. I'll be learning it all new for myself. I may make decisions of when to move gear and generally where... But it is he who is looking at the sounders and indicators we the gear is dropped, not me.... I'm the guy who puts it over the deck. And with prices being so low the last 5 years, you need to put the pounds of fish on the deck, or you can't survive this business.

Will I make a good fishing captain?  I don't know. I know the deck, I know when we should move gear and to where.... But I have so much more to learn.  

Also, though I have lived in my home town the last 12 yrs.... I have really felt like a stranger here, and have entertained the thoughts of moving many times...for a fresh start. My home church, the one that ordained me, and where I served for a few years is down the road, and I no longer can be part of that anymore. It's a small rural community and they don't get it... can't accept it.....
Well.......no moving now. This will be my home until I retire and pass this on to one of my sons. 

As if my church transition was not major enough. (From paid professional working on Masters in Churchy stuff - to no pay, being apart of simple organic home gatherings of people as a servant not a Leader - as we know leaders today.)  Now from NGO (Still so in some capacity) to a Fishing Boat Captain.

I find I cry a lot, over little things, these days. Anything, crazy things, but not about my life things.... Over the stories, events, and happenings in other peoples lives. I'm rarely broken hearted at my own affairs or life. Mine is pretty good. But just this morning, while coming home for the coffee shop with my dad early this morning, we were talking about something (I have no idea what now) But The tears started to well up in my eyes over the craziest thing that had nothing to do with me what so ever. That happens a lot these days. But I don't feel depressed or down. I can't explain it...

So my 70yr old Dad is stepping down. I did almost cry. But NOT because I feel some burden... It's not burdensome to me.... I never found anything about Africa or fishing to be burdensome.
The only thing in my life like that was, was being a "Clergy" a Pastor, a minister and managing church, playing the church game, and having those meetings about "Doin it better" to "Grow the church". Sunday gathering were generally stifling (In any Church I've been in). The whole System of church management, how we do it, function, operate, and the boxed role ministers are put in..... was burdensome, BIG TIME. It was not fun, I played by their rules for 20 yrs, their rules suck, and no amount of repacking of church, and leadership will change that. I recommended that service box to no one. But I recommend Jesus and being part of the body to everyone. Build the kingdom in freedom, not the box.
 
So a transition is coming... Yes I'm excited, apprehensive, contemplative, hopeful, sad, wondering, dreaming, doubting, accepting, and questioning just about everything now. I have depleted my "answer reservoir" over the last 5 years. I've never had less answers in my life than I do now at 45 yrs of age.

Frankly, I have no idea how it's all going to fit together. But notice I did not add to that list the word "worried...." Things will fit... it's just maybe the border of my puzzle, once put together, will not have square corners and straight line borders, in a box shape. Which is OK by me... But, as with most things in my now "Outside the Box"  Life, it will annoy the hell out of most people around me for not playing by their rules. When I think about that it makes me happy, I never cry over that.....never will!

AJ